Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
