is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
