pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
