Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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