Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I could make wine with my vomit
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
