Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
