just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
