Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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