So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
