Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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