Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
