Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
