...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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