my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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