Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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