You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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