your parents love me but you hate me
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
