phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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