i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
