My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
