Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
