then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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