Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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