I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
