You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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