I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
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