Plan B is the new Plan A
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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