I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
