my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
