Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
