I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
