Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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