i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
