got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
