So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
