I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You may now shotgun with the bride
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
