they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
