Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
