i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
