I think I died a long time ago.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
