my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You left your phone here
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