he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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