I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
