I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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