I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
