Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
