My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
