Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
