he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
