I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
